Going Home

It was bound to happen.

I am moving back to Arizona in August.

I spent the last 7ish years running away from Phoenix and trying to find myself. Well, I've been found..and guess what...I'm completely different and exactly the same as I was before.

I've grown up but I haven't lost sight of who I am. That's what I set out to accomplish. I wanted to find a new meaning to life other than the small set of ideals I found while living in Phoenix. I wanted to explore the country, asses other options, and most importantly...find the strong confident woman I knew lived within me. I didn't think I could do living in the same place I graduated. Since graduation I lived in San Diego, Charleston, SC and Nashville. Each city brought out an element that I didn't know existed.

San Diego brought out a side of me I never want to relive. I found out who I DIDN'T want to be while living there. I was immature, irresponsible, drunk, but most of all...I was trying to be someone I wasn't. I wasn't proud of who I was when I lived there...that is why I left. I made a really great friend while living in SD whom I still talk to and whom I care for very much. She is the best thing that came out of my time in San Diego.

Charleston was interesting. Living in the South taught me respect and patience. People are slower here, they enjoy life and they aren't in any kind of hurry. I became more of a woman in Charleston because I was forced to grow up a bit. I made some great friends while living there. I found a new respect for the ocean and for nature in general. I learned to slow down. Charleston has so much culture and history and it spoke to me. Eventually though, I had to leave.

Nashville is where I grew up. I was forced to take a hard look at the life I was living and let go of the negative behaviors that handicapped me. I've made some really amazing friends here and I will miss them dearly. The Favorites are so much a part of who I am now...speaking of, I need to see them!

So, much to my surprise. . . I am coming home.

I really intended for this post to be profound. . .but it came from the heart.

To Feel Whole?

Sometimes life doesn't quite work out the way we envision it. I see everyone around me getting what they desire and yet, I sit here, completely dumbfounded because I don't know what it is I want or how to acquire it. Is it time to grow up and figure life out?

I don’t know. This topic vexes me.

I do know that everyday I learn a little more about myself. Everyday I grow a little bit. Everyday I know who it is I am and what I desire to be. ( a writer )

I'm so completely different than I was a year ago, 6 months ago, 2 weeks ago. Maybe that's why I am not sure where this life is taking me. It's curious to me that everyone is settling down and I continue to be a free spirit. I see all my friends, new and old, getting married, buying houses, having children...and I am truly happy for all of them. I think it's wonderful that everyone is happy and content. It must be exciting to go through those stages in life. I can only imagine.

I am focused on my career, on myself, on my sanity ( at the moment ) Does that make me selfish? I mean, people stare at me like the anti-christ when I tell them I don't think I want to have children. Why is that a bad thing? Why does that make me a bad person? I don't think it does. I think it makes me decisive on at least one portion of my otherwise fickle life.

I guess I am just trying to be “whole” To feel complete. I am sick of the inconsistency, but it’s the inconsistency that I crave. Life is mundane. Without the incoherent or illogical thoughts that creep into my otherwise rational and stable mind I would be so disinterested in life.

I don’t really know where to go from here with this ridiculous rant. I assume I continue the tedious task of working on myself.

A Beautiful Mess.

This song describes so much.

A Beautiful Mess. Jason Mraz.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]

We're still here
What a beautiful mess, this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"

Through, timeless words and priceless pictures We'll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together

And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today. Oh the way it was so worth it.