To Feel Whole?

Sometimes life doesn't quite work out the way we envision it. I see everyone around me getting what they desire and yet, I sit here, completely dumbfounded because I don't know what it is I want or how to acquire it. Is it time to grow up and figure life out?

I don’t know. This topic vexes me.

I do know that everyday I learn a little more about myself. Everyday I grow a little bit. Everyday I know who it is I am and what I desire to be. ( a writer )

I'm so completely different than I was a year ago, 6 months ago, 2 weeks ago. Maybe that's why I am not sure where this life is taking me. It's curious to me that everyone is settling down and I continue to be a free spirit. I see all my friends, new and old, getting married, buying houses, having children...and I am truly happy for all of them. I think it's wonderful that everyone is happy and content. It must be exciting to go through those stages in life. I can only imagine.

I am focused on my career, on myself, on my sanity ( at the moment ) Does that make me selfish? I mean, people stare at me like the anti-christ when I tell them I don't think I want to have children. Why is that a bad thing? Why does that make me a bad person? I don't think it does. I think it makes me decisive on at least one portion of my otherwise fickle life.

I guess I am just trying to be “whole” To feel complete. I am sick of the inconsistency, but it’s the inconsistency that I crave. Life is mundane. Without the incoherent or illogical thoughts that creep into my otherwise rational and stable mind I would be so disinterested in life.

I don’t really know where to go from here with this ridiculous rant. I assume I continue the tedious task of working on myself.