uncharacteristically Introverted.

As you all know. I gave up complaining for Lent. Good Idea...in theory.

It has proven to be much harder than I originally intended.

This is the predicament I now find myself in...

If something is troubling me I can't quite grasp the difference between discussing and complaining. I've had some pretty burdensome things taking over my life and I haven't really communicated them with anyone because I don't want to "complain"...but I need to "discuss" some of the matters that concern me, right?

I am being uncharacteristically introverted, almost to a fault. My mind is completely preoccupied regarding the circumstances that surround me. I am fearful that if I engage in conversation I am going to start complaining. To prevent verbal diarrhea I am being cautious and restrained. I foresee that I will offend certain people that generally regard me as "wearing my heart on my sleeve." I promise, it's not you, it's me. It is not my intention to use that as a rationalization for the perception of my misanthropic behavior...I am simply attempting to articulate that I may be a tad introspective for the time being.

Any suggestions?

Chocolate Chip Cookies.

My first recipe from my new cookbook was chocolate chip cookies.

Seems easy and simple...and it was.

This recipe calls for the zest of 1 lime...it added a lot of flavor that I didn't think was possible from mixing lime zest into cookies.

DELICIOUS!

I'm pretty pleased with myself.

What Makes Emily.

This post is brought to you by the letter E.

I have a self-pleasing list on my Blackberry MemoPad of "things that make Emily happy"

Sometimes we just need a reminder. I tend to get overwhelmed easily so I reference this list whenever I need a pick me. It's random...kind of like me.

This a comprehensive list of things that make me happy.

Stephano. My sister. My best friend. ♥

Fingerless gloves ♥

The correct use of There, Their, and They're ♥

Cupcakes. (Or any cake for that matter) ♥

Dr. Travis Stork from the television show The Drs ♥

Sam Sparro's self titled album "Sam Sparro" ♥

More to come.....

Julie/Julia.

NOT to steal Amy Adams Julie/Julia thunder...BUUTT, I have been wanting to learn how to bake like my mother. She's a pastry chef and can pretty much kick Little Debbie's arse. I look up to her SO much. I've mastered cooking..that's easy. Baking, on the other hand...as my cousin Missy puts it "It's too scientific" <---true statement. It amazes me how bread will rise. I mean AMAZING right? I like simple things I guess.

So...I bought this --->

Photobooth is lame and photos appear backwards but the title is "Sweet and Savory Swedish Baking" By Leila Lindholm.

I'm not going to bake something everyday like Amy Adams did in Julie/Julia. Mainly because I will go broke. Baking is expensive. I am, however, going to become phenomenally impeccable at baking and blow my mother away.

The first recipe...Chocolate Chip Cookies. Boring, I know. The recipe is asking for mainly organic ingredients and something called "demerara" sugar. Here goes nothin'

B.F.F.

I've had some heaviness developing in regards to my friendships.

One friend I'm afraid to see...or talk to...it's weird but some stuff went down not really related to her and I'm afraid our friendship isn't the same since then.

Another friend and I realized we've had crushes on each other for 2.5 years on and off, but it's never been good timing and now we live 8 hours apart. For the sake of this blog we are going to call him Cute Starbucks Barista. He doesn't work at Starbucks nor has he ever been a barista but this name is hilarious for reasons as to which I cannot reveal. Since the day we met we've had a thing for each other. He had a girlfriend...then I had a boyfriend...then him and his girlfriend were on the rocks...I moved to Nashville....him and his girlfriend broke up...me and my boyfriend broke up...etc. He has always been there for me no matter what. He's a great person and one of my best friends. We've both toyed with the notion of being together but never had to opportunity to act on it. The 8 hour time difference has really put a damper on things. We both agreed that the timing is bad right now. I am working on myself and in no position to start dating again. He makes me smile. He keeps me laughing. It's effortless...Someday perhaps...but for now we agreed to keep it normal and casual.

The ex and I are trying to be friends. We are doing ok, ironically. We hung out with my Sexy Paw Print and her husband last night (they introduced us) and it was...normal. Nothing sticky or messy. We had a talk on the way home about some heavy stuff but it didn't seem "heavy". Our conversations are vastly different than when we were together. Somehow, our conversations have become meaningful. The content has become heartfelt and interesting. He's opening up to me more. Without the added pressure of being together our bond is slowly developing into a positive place to exist. Our little bubble that we created when we were dating was toxic...now our little bubble has popped and we can breathe again.

I wish that everyone came with an instruction manual. pft.

Sand In My Suit

That is the name of my new gold toned O.P.I nail polish.

Clever.

Hooker Heels Mid Afternoon?

Dear girl at the Green Hills Starbucks,

your 5 inch hooker heels look uncomfortable and you can't walk in them properly. Although, they are Prada, it's still no excuse to wear them to the mall. Please take note of this and next time dress accordingly. I am available for consults Monday - Friday. I generally don't work on weekends, but for you darling...I shall make an exception.

Thank you and have a nice day.

I simply don't understand why girls wear such uncomfortable day-time innapropriate clothing to shop in.

First of all...Who are you trying to impress? Men don't generally shop at the mall in the middle of the afternoon...and if they are there, honey, they're "fierce" if you know what I mean...

Second of all...Guys hate when women wear heels for mundane activities like shopping or breakfast on a Tuesday. Men don't want to hear your bitch and moan (well they want to hear you moan ... but for different reasons) about your feet hurting. I have an idea....save your man the trouble and wear flats! *light bulb moment* Two things happen when you do this. 1) your feet don't hurt. This makes your time much more enjoyable. 2) You don't drive your man crazy about your feet hurting.

Common sense ladies...

Unsettled.

I am unsettled, my friends.

I feel like whatever it is I was suppose to learn in Nashville, I've learned.

I have a tendency to be a gypsy. I like the newness of life and when the newness has worn off and the dust has settled I tend to get bored. I'm antsy.

So now what?

I miss my family. I miss the beach. I miss the security of having my family nearby. I miss my friends in Charleston.

I miss Phoenix. I miss my sister. I miss my friends there. I miss my home town.

If I moved I would miss the inner circle. I would miss how amazing Nashville is.

3 separate life paths...3 separate outcomes...

Either way, I am going to end up missing someone.

I am going to try and listen to my heart...

So for now...

I pray...

Ash Wednesday.

I'm not Catholic. However, I think it's necessary to give up something for lent. It's good to practice obedience and self discipline.

Lent 2010: Complaining.

Hear me out. . .

Instead of complaining about my problems I am going to find solutions. Whenever I want to complain I am just going to pray about whatever it is I am wanting to complain about.

That doesn't mean I am not going to speak my heart. (via this blog) I am just going to speak my heart and figure out the solution instead of just complaining about the problem.

I have to reprogram the way I think.

This is the point of my 27th year of life.

This, my friends...is going to be an interesting adventure.

I just figure out how to update my blog via text message. That's extremely exciting. Have a great day everyone ;)

Black & Gold. Sam Sparro ♥

Lyrics to Black And Gold :

If the fish swam out of the ocean
and grew legs and they started walking
and the apes climbed down from the trees
and grew tall and they started talking

and the stars fell out of the sky
and my tears rolled into the ocean
now i'm looking for a reason why
you even set my world into motion

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now i'm filled to the top with fear
that it's all just a bunch of matter

'cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you
black and gold
black and gold
black and gold

i looked up into the night sky
and see a thousand eyes staring back
and all around these golden beacons
i see nothing but black

i feel a way of something beyond them
i don't see what i can feel
if vision is the only validation
then most of my life isn't real

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now i'm filled to the top with fear
that it's all just a bunch of matter

'cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you
black and gold
black and gold
black and gold

Heavy.

The ex came over to talk tonight.

It was extremely beneficial for us to work through some of the stuff that was lingering between us.

We went through SO much together...more than I've been through with anyone in my lifetime.

The details of all of the junk we went through will always remain sacred to our relationship. It was extremely heavy.

We hugged and cried (well, I cried) and we were able to work through a lot of things that cleared the way for us to try and be friends.

Here goes nothing....

Valentines Day Is The Devils Holiday.

WARNING....USING CAPS FOR EMOTION!!!

This is how today went down.

My Sexy Pinata gets an Edible Arrangements from her baby daddy. Totally not jealous (<---lying).

My Sexy Sorority Sista gets a dozen roses from her man. Totally not jealous (again, lying).

Emily gets a beautiful arrangement of Lilies. My favorite. The card reads:

"Will you be my Valentine?! I hope you have a great Valentines Day! -Mr. VCB"

So....I am thinking...a peace offering? Yes?

I BBM Mr. VCB like an ass and say...

"Of course I will be your Valentine! Thank you for the flowers"

He replies:

"Yeah this is awkward, I sent those before we broke up and after last week I thought it wouldn't be appropriate to send them so I canceled the order, somebody must of screwed up and sent them anyway"

WHAT. THE. FUHHHH?!!!?!!!

I obviously feel like an ass...and I'm totally humiliated. I tell him I am going to send the flowers back and he said, AND I QUOTE, "NO, keep them, you DESERVE THEM."

UHM SCUSE ME...deserve them? Yes, you know what, I do deserve them....I deserve them, not only for putting up with condescending bullshit like that...but for also putting up with his ever present need to be involved in everyone's life BUT his own...for always having to rush after work to meet him at some lame event that LORD FORBID he miss because we all know he can't let his friends have fun without him (I'm convinced it's something to do with his childhood).

I threw them in the dumpster....I didn't even take them out of the box...I trashed them.

You know, I didn't even like him that much. I would have daily conversations with my Sexy Professor about the red flags I saw or the things he did that drove me nuts...I looked at her one day and said "You know, it doesn't sound like I like him very much" and she agreed...yet, I dated him. What's wrong with this picture?

Why do I do this to myself? I make myself like guys that I don't like because...why?

I haven't figured this out...the ex knows why...the ex freaking figured it out...I knew I kept him around for a good reason.

He said I am unattached but not cautious. Meaning....I am not cautious when dating a guy...I want to be loved...I'm human, every human wants to feel love...but I am willing to sacrifice what I want to feel that love....hence the NOT cautious part. I never feel an attachment because I don't even really like who I'm dating.

I am willing to look past red flags and things that irritate the living shit out of me to possibly feel that "love". <---not a good way to start a relationship.

I'm SO glad I'm on a Guy Time Out....I can't handle this crap anymore.

Just BE.

When I first started this journey I was hoping to 1st find myself...and 2nd to find love. Now it seems that I have made more of a self discovery than I had originally thought.

Happiness is a state of mind. It's not something that comes easily. It has so be worked for.

I've always had a veil of sadness over my eyes. I let the melancholy blues sneak in whenever I thought my life wasn't going exactly like I planned it. I am extremely controlling which can make for a very disappointing life experience. Being controlling can be quite exhausting. I've decided to relinquish some of my controlling tendencies to high powers. I can't do this anymore. Happiness can only happen when you make the decision to just BE happier.

So I am making the decision to just BE happier. Just BE me.

Noticeably Absent.

I have been noticeably absent from the blogging world.

I've had a few epiphanies about my life.

I need to take a serious breather from men. A full on GUY TIME OUT. I really liked Mr. Vintage Cowboy Boots but the second we made it official I was miserable. I realized that had absolutely nothing to do with him. I have a lot of things in my life that make me unhappy and nobody deserves to be with someone who can't even make themselves happy first. The added pressure of being in a relationship was just too much for me to handle. I never fully got over the ex and it was unfair for me to try and start another relationship when I am still trying to figure out why the last one ended. You can't love someone new when you haven't stopped loving the last person you were with. I thought diving right back into dating would be a good distraction..but the truth is, a distraction is the last thing I need. I need to feel things. I need to cry, I need to love, I need to hate...etc. I have no real feelings. I lack the ability to deal with emotions when it doesn't involve punctuation. Mr. VCB actually tried to have a really sweet moment and instead of embracing it I literally said "I have to go to the bathroom" and he said "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable" Really?! What's wrong with me? In my head I want the perfect man with the fairy tale relationship but I am so cynical about love and life that I prohibit myself from an amazing life. Break up after break up I thought it was always the guys I chose to date. The truth is...I AM THE PROBLEM. If my heart isn't healed and open to love then how can I expect "love" to happen. You get what you give. If I continue to put my negative outlook into every relationship I have, I am going to continue to get a negative outcome.

So what now?

Do I change? Yes, but slowly and with caution. I have always been what everyone has wanted to me to be...it's time to be me. Seriously, oldest "come to Jesus" moment in the book, but it's true. I have to figure out what I want, who I am, what I like, and what I dislike. I don't want to loose myself completely but I want to get to know myself completely.

So this is the beginning of my self-imposed Guy Time Out.

Oye vay.