I've had a few epiphanies about my life.
I need to take a serious breather from men. A full on GUY TIME OUT. I really liked Mr. Vintage Cowboy Boots but the second we made it official I was miserable. I realized that had absolutely nothing to do with him. I have a lot of things in my life that make me unhappy and nobody deserves to be with someone who can't even make themselves happy first. The added pressure of being in a relationship was just too much for me to handle. I never fully got over the ex and it was unfair for me to try and start another relationship when I am still trying to figure out why the last one ended. You can't love someone new when you haven't stopped loving the last person you were with. I thought diving right back into dating would be a good distraction..but the truth is, a distraction is the last thing I need. I need to feel things. I need to cry, I need to love, I need to hate...etc. I have no real feelings. I lack the ability to deal with emotions when it doesn't involve punctuation. Mr. VCB actually tried to have a really sweet moment and instead of embracing it I literally said "I have to go to the bathroom" and he said "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable" Really?! What's wrong with me? In my head I want the perfect man with the fairy tale relationship but I am so cynical about love and life that I prohibit myself from an amazing life. Break up after break up I thought it was always the guys I chose to date. The truth is...I AM THE PROBLEM. If my heart isn't healed and open to love then how can I expect "love" to happen. You get what you give. If I continue to put my negative outlook into every relationship I have, I am going to continue to get a negative outcome.
So what now?
Do I change? Yes, but slowly and with caution. I have always been what everyone has wanted to me to be...it's time to be me. Seriously, oldest "come to Jesus" moment in the book, but it's true. I have to figure out what I want, who I am, what I like, and what I dislike. I don't want to loose myself completely but I want to get to know myself completely.
So this is the beginning of my self-imposed Guy Time Out.